


Back To December

by Toshiro_xx



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Forgive me in advance I swear I love Wakatoshi and Tooru so much, I wrote this while listening to Taylor's Back to December song, I'm not suicidal but I cried so much doing this, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, My tags are not making sense just like my life but oh well I'm used to it, Sad Ending, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, no
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:55:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29080473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toshiro_xx/pseuds/Toshiro_xx
Summary: Wakatoshi had always been in love with Oikawa but it's too late when he realized he felt the same.
Relationships: Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	Back To December

Oikawa always loved the winter. It took a special place in his heart. All the cold weather, the thick pile of clothes, the warm knitted scarf, the need to ease them with coffee or something to keep him warm. Not to mention the perfect scenery, the tall pine trees frozen in places, and the slow pouring of snowflakes that seem to stop mid air like it was destined to be for decorations. But aside from these, there is something in the chilly season that had always made his heart flutter— or rather someone. But this time, the wind seems to blow a little colder. The sky, a little too dark and heavy. Winter has always been his favorite of all four seasons but it's December once again and he began to hate it. 

"It's been almost five years wasn't it Ushiwaka-chan," my voice started to waver as soon as I began to open my mouth. I never realized that speaking with my favorite person would be so hard this time. "Did you missed me?" a strained chuckle escaped my lips as I tried to lift the heavy atmosphere that's been clouding up the empty space. As I glanced at the engraved name on the hard stone below me, it took me back to the time where he used to stick beside me all awkward and shy. While he do this stupid anxious smile, and eyes diverting from one place to another that cannot stare me down. I remembered the very first time when he spoke and confessed to me, one night in a snowy eve. I can never forget the happiness in his voice when I finally agreed to date him in the summer. And although I must admit I did it to get over with Iwa-chan, I did felt bad for him. "I've been such a jerk to you. I never knew you were really serious on pursuing me. I'm really sorry. You'll still forgive me right? I hope you did forgive me because I've been eaten up by my system and I think I've gone mad," I continued while imagining he's listening and would answer to my stupidity.  
I imagined him staring. Those olive orbs of his that has been my favorite since the fall I saw him smiling. How I wish he would curse me, or would rather received a punch in the face. I wish he would despise me for all the pain I have caused him. I wish he'd resonate the same suffering I've inflicted to him. But here I am even after all these years, with all my egoistical, stupid thinking that made him like this and Ushiwaka-chan wasn't with me anymore. "I missed you so much," my eyes stung and a tear escaped. One moment,and I began crying again nonstop. Without a warning the waves of his memories came flooding up my now empty mind.

*flashbacks*

It wasn't new to Oikawa that the young olive-haired gentleman had always wanted to go out with him. So around summer, because Iwaizumi decided to end their relationship to pursue his education abroad, he decided to give Ushijima a chance. Although Oikawa, he's well aware that he haven't completely moved on from his past relationship, he wanted to forget. Maybe he thought, Ushijima could help him out. But he never expected it would be this hard. He knew Ushijima was a good guy from the very beginning. The taller would always bring and cook him his favorite food. He would spoil him with flowers, the one Iwaizuimi never gave him because it was a waste of money to him. He would cancel out plans with his friends just so they could spend some time together. Ushijima had always been that ideal guy for every hopeless romantic girls out there. But to Oikawa, he failed to see and realized things.

Until around fall, when the two decided to visit Ushijima's parents for their vacation. The olive haired young man planned to tell them about their relationship. He was driving the car, the stereo was on and a country song music was playing— Ushijima's favorite. Oikawa took noticed of how the afternoon sun kissed his skin revealing the taller's perfect tan. On how his olive eyes seem to get darker when he's too focused on the road. The shorter will never forget how Ushijima smile at the mention of his hometown like he was too fond of this topic that he cannot hide his happiness. It was rare to see him comfortably smiling while talking about the things he love. At that moment Oikawa felt his heart beat uncontrollably. For the longest time they've been dating, it's the first time he never think about Iwaizumi. 

But maybe he was wrong. Maybe Oikawa never really fell in love with Ushijima. Because as soon as the fall was over, when the taller gave out all his love for the brown haired brunette, he began getting confused again. Now, Iwaizumi was back in the country and Oikawa never wanted to meet him. He's well aware of his growing feelings for his new boyfriend but it was way too early for him to confront his past. He wanted to run away. He was always a coward and been always running away. 

It was late November when Ushijima learned about Oikawa's reason for not getting enough sleep. For acting so weird around him and for breaking down in front of him when he only asks him "Why?" the taller was confuse for the sudden action. It was the first time he ever saw Oikawa cried and he's clueless about it. So he leaned closer and bring them together for a tight yet comforting hug.  
"What's bothering you so much? You know you can always tell me Tooru." His deep baritone was making the shorter weep even more. He sure doesn't want to lose him, but he's got so much unresolved issues within himself.  
"I'm sorry Ushiwaka-chan, I know I said that I moved on already. But with Iwa-chan actually here, it's getting me all confused again." as soon as he finished his sentence he felt the taller arms loosen from a hug.  
"Ushiwaka-chan," he called out and tried to reach out for Ushijima's hand but the latter was quick to pull it.  
"I've always felt that you were physically here with me and yet you've been like thousand miles away at the same time. I guess this explains it. You were never over him Tooru," his words hurt him to his core.  
"You know I've always wanted you right? You know I choose to stay even though I'm we'll aware that my chance is futile. But you see, I also want you to be happy more than anything else even if it means letting you go," he finished talking.

That night, he never realized that would be the last time they could properly talk with each other, probably their last closure as well. Because when everything sunk into his mind, it was exactly 12:05 in the morning. In the beginning of December, the last month in the year and his relationship with Ushijima Wakatoshi has come to an end.

Days have passed and he realized he cannot stay like this forever. It's already winter and it was his most favorite season of all time but he's crouched in his empty bed feeling all consumed and sad. He should fix this. He have too. So he called Iwaizumi to met up with him. He just want to confirm something and maybe to clear everything out.

"Iwa-chan... I called because I want to tell you something." he began to speak when they finally saw each other.  
"It's a perfect timing because I also want to talk about----" the other replied but before he could finished talking, Oikawa grabbed him and pulled closer for a kiss. It was sloppy and didn't last long but it didn't fail to capture the eyes of those around them especially that one person.  
"I want to thank you for everything Iwa-chan. I want to see you again to confirm everything. Because now I am sure that it wasn't you anymore. The kiss was only to prove if I would still feel some thing for you but while we do it, he is all I could think of. It's clear to me now who made me feel this way, it's Ushiwaka-chan." Oikawa said all smiling.  
"I guess I am worried for nothing. But it took you some time to realize it on your own. Ushijima and I talked about it and I called him this morning so you two could fix things." Iwaizumi laughed at his childhood friend.  
"Ushiwaka-chan is here? Why didn't you tell me? What if he saw us together?" Oikawa's expression suddenly changed into an anxious one.  
"I will call him," he said with great determination. 

A few ring from his phone and the other picked up the call. "Ushiwaka-chan where are you? Can we talk? Yes right now, I want to tell yo something. Wait you're driving? I'd wait for you here. This is really important so please be here," the call ended quickly and as soon as he realized what he's about to tell the taller his heart beat started racing. Outside, it was snowing. Oikawa always loved the winter. It took a special place in his heart. All the cold weather, the thick pile of clothes, the warm knitted scarf, the need to ease them with coffee or something to keep him warm. Not to mention the perfect scenery, the tall pine trees frozen in places, and the slow pouring of snowflakes that seem to stop mid air like it was destined to be for decorations. But aside from these, there is something in the chilly season that had always made his heart flutter— or rather someone. And today he's making sure they'd be together forever. 

Ushijima's car came to a halt just where he was standing. He's cold for waiting but it's all worth it. The first few minutes inside his car was quiet. Ushijima has been too focused on the road and never bother to throw him a glance. 

"You want to tell me something important, is it right Oikawa?" he was taken aback from the coldness in his voice but the last name basis hits way different.

"I was going to. But are you all right Ushiwaka-chan? You've been gripping on the steering wheel way too hard," his hand automatically reached for the taller. It was cold and for some reason he never want to let it go.

"Please don't call me that. I began to hate it when its all coming from you," Ushijima swayed his hand that was holding him. His voice with a hint of annoyance.

"But Ushiwaka-chan----" 

"Will you just get to the point Oikawa. Damn it! Iwaizumi called me because you get back together with him right? You're here to tell it to my face. I get it now. So that's why you were kissing him? Did it felt nice after all these years? And why do you need to see me? Why do you fucking have to see me for?" It's the first time Ushijima ever raised his voice to the brunette. Oikawa was stunned but his tears never stopped from running down his face. He hates it that Ushijima didn't get any if it. He hates him for cursing but he hates himself because Ushijima is obviously in pain.

"It's not what you are thinking! You misunderstood everything so please listen to me! Please!" He was shouting back at him and he didn't care because it was his fault and he felt stupid. 

"I never get back with him alright? I was going to ask him for help. We were talking and---"

"And you kissed him because you were never over him. Stop with all of this bullshit please," Ushijima got even more furious.

"Why wouldn't you let me finish first damn it Ushiwaka-chan! I kissed him because I want to confirm my feelings. I don't love him anymore and it is you that i want!" his frustration drove him mad.

"Seriously why do you have to crack a stupid joke right now," the sarcasm in his voice was evident.

"But I am telling the truth. I am fucking serious and I want us to get back together!"

"Oikawa Tooru!" 

"I love you so much. Please stop speeding up the car and let's talk about it outside please Ushiwaka-chan," his pleading voice seems to touched the taller.  
Ushijima's gaze softens as soon as it met his. Oikawa managed to interlocked their fingers and began kissing it. Ushijima was about to pull the break when the other car from his left overtakes and bumped into theirs. 

A loud crashing sound echoed from the source of the great impact. The strong smell of gasoline filled up the place as if any time it will blow the two crushed vehicles. Oikawa tried to open his eyes weakly. The car was turned upside down so it became impossible to move their body. He quickly searched for Ushijima. He was sure he's still breathing when the shorter reached for his bloody hand. 

"A-are you alright, T-Tooru," he managed to ask. Oikawa smiled as he heard his name being called. 

"I am alright. Please don't try speaking further, Ushiwaka-chan," Oikawa assured in full concern.

"I-I am glad you are. T-Tooru," he caressed the brunette's face as if feeling it warm his cold bloody hand. 

"I'm sorry for making you feel this way. I wish I could stay with you longer, wish I could cuddle and kiss you more. I wish I could propose right now, you know how I've always wanted to share a lifetime with you." Ushijima forced a smile and cough a load of blood in his hand. Oikawa realized what he's talking about and begged him to stop.

"Don't be stupid Ushiwaka-chan and stop saying nonsense," but his tears already betrayed him. 

"I-i love you so much Tooru, you know I always do. I-I'm sorry, I'm really s-sorry," his breathing suddenly began erratic. 

"No, no please you can make it. Stay with me please. Ushiwaka-chan! Stop saying sorry because I am the one that should be saying it. I love you too damn it don't die on me please!" Oikawa started panicking his mind now exhausted from all the crying and shock.

The rescue team came a seconds too late. It was way too late and Oikawa knew that it's impossible to save him now.

It's mid summer when they dated.  
It's around fall when he realized he loved him.  
It's in the beginning of winter when they broke up.  
It's December when they had their serious fight in his car while driving.  
It was in this chilly season, when December was about to end when he lost him on that accident.

*end of flashbacks*

The winter breeze suddenly blew and Oikawa hugged himself to feel a little warmer. His thick knitted scarf seems useless at all. It's been five years since he was away and today is Ushijima's death anniversary and only time he could be with him once again. He got him flowers— the one he'd always bought for Oikawa on their dates. As soon as he settle down his things, he began wiping his tombstone removing the dust of snow that fell off. "I've been away for too long Ushiwaka-chan, they won't let me see you after all these years. I hate it in that hospital because they keep on telling me I'm sick when I'm perfectly fine and only want to be with you," he began to speak again. Oikawa's depression had worsen after Ushijima's death. His family kept him inside the hospital for medication and it took him years to get better. They had faith in him. And when they thought he's doing great they let him out for his request to visit his late boyfriend. "You see my life has been miserable since the day you left. There wasn't a single time i didn't think of you and your promises. I've been thinking on that day you said you wish you could proposed. I've been imprisoned to your memories and my regrets. There's no way I could move on from your death Ushiwaka-chan," Oikawa wiped the tears brimming on his eyes. "So I told myself that if ever you'd be reborn again, or if there's a parallel universe for us, I'd like meet you and love you right with no hesitations and without fears," Oikawa hugged the framed photo of Ushijima in his hand. The only one he had when they were together. "If only I could go back in time, I'd hug you every damn seconds and would kiss you when I got a chance. I would tell you I love you until you got tired of hearing them. I would be the first to propose and I won't mind spending a thousand life time with you Ushiwaka-chan," he smiled at the thought of them being together once again. "Will you ever forgive me if I see you this soon? I'm sorry for everything, I love you so much. Ushiwaka-chan let's be together again in our next lifetime," now Oikawa seems to be a lot happier. It was his last words before pulling the trigger of the gun he hold up to his head. 

The snow started falling drastically. The winter wind blow and that December night will forever be tragic for those who will remember the young lovers death.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this ship deserves all the love in this entire universe so I'm really sorry for writing this one. I hope you guys are doing great with your life and please, please get some help if you're feeling down and troubled. You matter and we care. 💛


End file.
